I just read the blog CHASING THE GHOST by Dave Cleverly which begins here — as he's standing on Lion's Gate Bridge in Vancouver getting ready to jump.
In subsequent posts he talks about prayer and finding God. And it prompted memories of some dark times in my own past and this piece that I wrote in the winter of '84.
Her eyes were burning with tears she would not shed. She curled up on the couch, laid her head upon its armrest and closed her eyes. Her breath, limited to her upper chest, choked back the flood of emotion pressing from within.
Why did she feel this way?
She didn't want to know.
Proud of her strength, she believed that if she delved into the source of her turmoil she would be lost forever in her weakness so she willed herself not to succumb, but, her breath becoming shallower, more laboured in her chest, her throat, was delivering her into her pain.
Her shoulders became limp as all the energy drained out of her, dissolving her physical boundaries, expanding and wrapping around her as a larger, embracing form.
She heard/sensed these words, "You are tired. Rest with me."
She felt her tension being physically stroked away.
"It's all right. YOU will be all right. Let go. Let go."
She felt breathing in another's breast upon which her head rest, and with each breath these words repeating. "You are afraid. You have many fears. I will take care of them. Trust in me."
That timeless voice — low, soft, feminine, familiar — flowing through her from heart to heart, which could resist the truth no longer.
Tears welling as she released her fears, she heard, "You are loved. KNOW that you are loved." And, at that moment, in knowledge, tears flowed.
Resting in Mother God herself, she was swept away on those tears into a deep womb of sleep.
I am tempted to say that this is just a piece of writing, but it is not.
It was an experience.
My recording of the event doesn't come near to the immensity of what transpired back then, but it is as clear, as intense, as kinaesthetic and as immediate to me now as it was back then. It consoled me, buoyed me up, gave me hope back then...
as it does now.
Some people consciously find their way to God and sometimes God needs to find those who are lost and don't even know that they are seeking him/her at all.