Sunday, July 31, 2016
I was enveloped with freedom and gratitude that I could return to a place that I called my "spiritual" home - Vancouver Island. The mountains, ocean, forests, clean air and water, and all their inhabitants awaited me.
When I drove through the Rockies and came out the other side, my exhilaration was tempered with a deep sense of finality. In a place called Hope, warmed on a sun dappled restaurant patio, sipping my beer, I felt a heavy door slam shut. A seemingly insurmountable physical distance between myself and family and friends was sealed.
I truly was moving into unknown territory.
The next day; seven days after setting out from Ontario, I arrived in Victoria.
I relished, drank in, and basked in the euphoric honeymoon period.
All too soon, six months later, the "what now?" limbo period ambushed me. This is for real. All of the planning and goal setting of the past few years have brought you here. Time to get to work…whatever that is, however that is done. From this place I launched new plans into motion.
Months of majour failure and frustration sprinkled with all too few carrot-at-the-end-of-the-stick moments of success finally peaked in the, "uh oh what the hell have I done?" period. I was still in love with my new home but not with myself. Disenchantment? Yes, disenchantment with myself and my projections for, and fantasies about, the life I was to lead here. The loss of a dream. Questioning everything.
In the deepest sense asking… Who am I?
The best place to be if one is to die to one's self and begin afresh.
On the precipice of a new beginning, in personal self-directed ceremonies (brought to me in dreams years ago), I cut the cords to all that no longer serves in order to put things into right relation. But, it takes time…a lot of time, and, affects everything and everyone in my life.
And now? I've landed in the "DO YOUR THING we're not in Kansas anymore Toto" period which is exactly where I wanted to be when I embarked on this journey.
Here's to new beginnings! Some just take a little longer than others.
*NOTES on the sketch:
It began with a heart. That was the first image that greeted me on a friend's FB post one morning. I was looking for an inspirational first significant thing of the day and there it was. I sketched hearts, heart wreaths and the date I began. Everyday something else was added. The wreaths became cogs and interconnecting chains. Though I recorded the dates of my additions, I couldn't tell you what was added when. I wondered where this was all leading…and then the quote came up on FB on June 29th (author unknown). This was the exact feeling guiding my pen.
When this dance of synchronicity happens I watch images creating themselves.